2 months in camp le... hopfully nth will happen in the remainding 3 to 4 months... had my 1st shoot today... started law not long ago... pdt oso learn half way... alot more to learn ar... today oso draw our laptop... but apparently... the laptop can't do anything de.... no internet, game, movies, music.... nth at all... only notes... lol... haha... nvm lar... i go sleep le... signing off... 12/11/2011... 2.27am

i dont see wad i do is wrong... maybe yes... my mind is not so stright... but compair to others... eu have been so lucky... fine... i do not want from now on... but seriously... i dunno wad will happen in the future

haish... 1/5/11... sunny day... 14 days to 1 year... and 1 day after the day i almost died... i tot eu would be more... appreciating me more den ever... ya... i see eu giving me stuff eu nvr gave b4... i was touched... i tot eu really worry of lossing me... but... maybe i was wrong... today... i found out... wad eu always feel... i feel hurt... i was such a guy... in ur mind... in ur heart...... i.... i aslways did everything i could for you... no wishing for anything in return... i did everything willingly.. but wad i heard from you that hurt me so deeply... "i dunno why i give it to you, wad do i get in return, wad do i benifit from"... that's wad eu told me... i started to think... i started to cry... i had so many friends... whoes heart is not as gd as me... but... their girl... always do anything for them... love them for who they are... looking back... so wad if i have a golden heart... my girl... just thinks me as a usless guy... who have a dirty mind... and who cant even earn enough to support her... i'm really envious of ppl out there who had such a good girl... who will cherish them... i sometime dont even know... is this the routh i should choose... why... why do i have to so good... i want to die... i feel so hurt... eu don even care... eu only care when smth is happening... all my life... i only wished for a girl who can love me... care for me... but the girl god gave me... have everything but not the 2 i wanted... i cant take it much longer...

yes... i may want it again and again... isn't that wad every humans do... as long as it's smth nice... they want it again and again... must you really count every small things we do and put it in ur heart... are really so concern abt the things we do... if eu feel this way... eu can always go find other guys... i'm not the type for you... why cant we be just as loving... just... argh.... i dunno... i... i am so usless... maybe i shouldn't even started this r/s... maybe if i dont... eu can get a btr guy out there... i'm just usless... a usless guy with a golden heart... wad's the point... haish... i just want to be hiding in a corner alone... crying... and not wanting to think of anything...

haish... 1/5/11... sunny day... 14 days to 1 year... and 1 day after the day i almost died... i tot eu would be more... appreciating me more den ever... ya... i see eu giving me stuff eu nvr gave b4... i was touched... i tot eu really worry of lossing me... but... maybe i was wrong... today... i found out... wad eu always feel... i feel hurt... i was such a guy... in ur mind... in ur heart...... i.... i always did everything i could for you... no wishing for anything in return... i did everything willingly.. but wad i heard from you that hurt me so deeply... "i dunno why i give it to you, wad do i get in return, wad do i benefit from"... that's wad eu told me... i started to think... i started to cry... i had so many friends... whoes heart is not as gd as me... but... their girl... always do anything for them... love them for who they are... looking back... so wad if i have a golden heart... my girl... just thinks me as a usless guy... who have a dirty mind... and who cant even earn enough to support her... i'm really envious of ppl out there who had such a good girl... who will cherish them... i sometime dont even know... is this the routh i should choose... why... why do i have to so good... i want to die... i feel so hurt... eu don even care... eu only care when smth is happening... all my life... i only wished for a girl who can love me... care for me... but the girl god gave me... have everything but not the 2 i wanted... i cant take it much longer...

yes... i may want it again and again... isn't that wad every humans do... as long as it's smth nice... they want it again and again... must you really count every small things we do and put it in ur heart... are really so concern abt the things we do... if eu feel this way... eu can always go find other guys... i'm not the type for you... why cant we be just as loving... just... argh.... i dunno... i... i am so usless... maybe i shouldn't even started this r/s... maybe if i dont... eu can get a btr guy out there... i'm just usless... a usless guy with a golden heart... wad's the point... haish... i just want to be hiding in a corner alone... crying... and not wanting to think of anything...

how long are eu gg to cont lying to me? how long do eu intend to hide? how much do i really worth to eu? how much do eu really love me? why... finally... finally i understand how eu feel and wad eu think... i am nth but a pig in ur heart... not even worth to be a human in ur heart... nvr intend to marry when eu have accepted... lying to me everyday even till now... how much longer are eu gg to lie... to me... to urself... i choose to trust eu... but eu lied to me... i lost the confidence in love... loss hope in love... in everything... and i loss trust in you... most impt... i loss trust in myself... loss the love... loss the dream... loss my future... i'm just a guy who cant succede in anything... cant even give joy to the one i love... it seems i'm really useless... a usless guy forever...

Today, the day i'm hurt most... the day... i finally sees the truth... the day i given up on hope.... given up on love... dissapointed... dishearten

28/2/11 -
i went to ur house. i am abt to leave. all eu gave was a hug. wanted eu to pei me to lift(which is just right outside ur door), you refused. i went home feeling disapointed. messaged eu. dunno for wad reason eu got angry. i was sad yet again.

29/2/11 - i working with a broken heart, eu called and hang up the phone on me again. i asked eu. but eu nvr bother to tell me wad's wrong. i tried to make eu happy. tried to let this go. i asked eu in a cheerful way to meet in the afternoon. but eu told eu, eu don wan to see my face. hurt yet again. wad can i do. but seriously eu are xiao qi. or else eu wont get angry over me saying eu xiao qi. haish... worst part. eu told me... told me that i'm useless... now i finally know wad eu think of me. maybe i should just end my life. no point for a usless guy like me to stay on earth. and more important. a usless guy waste ur life. maybe i should just die. the earth will have 1 lesser useless guy. and eu can go find a more useful guy

14/2/11

the first valentines day i had... i want to thank my dearest sijia... did so much for me... bake some cookies for me... i nvr recieve any b4... specially bought and wear a dress for me... i want to thank you for it... i love you dear...

if i had a chance... if i'm gg to poly... i want to change course to under F&B... but i wonder if i could

i hate it when eu hang up the phone... do wad ever eu wish... i just don like it... eu nvr tot of the feeling of others... dear... eu are no more alone... eu need to think abt others... no just urself... this r/s is not abt eu or me... it's abt us... plus consider my feelings like i did b4 eu do smth... it hurts alot... when i tried cheer eu up... and eu just hang the phone on me...

it's just so sad that eu nvr bother tell me anything and always complaining no one understands eu... tried to understand eu... eu shouted at me... ask eu don so angry... eu hang up phone on me... T.T... how many times must i tell eu... if eu nvr tell me any... i would nvr understand... i don wish to see eu sad... but eu always get angry/sad/pissed off easily... see le heart pain... wad can i do... eu will just hang up the phone on me... wad can i do... tell me

haish... seen ur blog... feel so usless... cant do anything... wad happen dear... nvr hear eu tell me... i cant do anything unless eu tell me... i cant do anything now but to tell eu i love eu always dear... forever and ever

9/10/10
T.T.... morning my dear... Day 2 of ur curise day... I'm missing eu so much already... 1 whole day cant msg eu... Eu're so far yet so near from me... You must be missing me just like i'm missing eu right now... Haish... I want to hug eu... I want to kiss eu... Dear... I miss eu

8/10/10
Eu left for ur curise... I know... It's just like 2 day that eu're away... Not like NS so long... but.... Why.... Why can't i stop my tears from flowing when i see eu leave... I won't let go of eu anymore... I love eu my dear... No matter wad... I'll be there for eu

I hate my mum. freaking nagger...nag nag nag non stop... pissing me off... the only reason that make me wanna leave the house is you 2, mum and dad... patatic... just cause eu not gd mood.. have to turn the whole family upside down... wth lor... always say father not at home we vry bad... go die lar... is eu turn siao... say eu'll as parents know us the best... shit eu... if eu know me well... just shut the hell up and leave me alone mum... i had enough of everything... if one day i die cause of eu... don regret... eu have over cared... i tried to be nice... eu cont nag... den say i rude... who started it... i really feel like saying "shut the **** up" in ur face

weeee... i'm gonna be so rich... aft F1... earn alot... den b4 F1... normal work... now co-op stock take... weee... alot $$$

today she clebrate my bday for me... brought a wallet for me... but havent see yet... hmmm... haish... a lot happen lately... this and that... haish... dunno if can survive... dunno wad will happen if this cont... only can hope she take one step back for me and for once... sometimes... i'm sick and tired of feeling hurt... haish

hmmm.... today went drinking with vincent... her unhappy abt stuff... though i vry full now... but oso learnt a lot... haha... hmmm... i always tot i was too fast... but now... aft hearing alot... i found out i was not as fast as i expect... den today... dar dar sick le... Get well soon wor dar dar... luvs